The toxicity of "bounce back" culture: postpartum musings

Monday musings with me.

The amount of products out there aimed at targeting women with the phrase "bounce back" postpartum is ridiculous. I won't "bounce back", cause I'm not the same person. I'm glad I'm not the same person: my body carries the story of a wonderful life brought into this world.

My postpartum time (which researchers say is much longer than the 6 weeks recovery time that's put into many people's minds) has been HARD. Some might say that's predictable, being that our family is also going through the immigration process, an added stressor. I'm also still readjusting to life back in Canada, which is SO different from life in Sierra Leone. I don't feel at home in any culture anymore. What hasn't been predictable postpartum is struggling with thyroid issues (aka bye bye energy), and postpartum anxiety/depression.

Postpartum is a completely different experience for every woman I've talked to. I need to say first that every experience is valid, positive/negative/inbetween. Some women have told me it's easier than pregnancy, some have said it's the hardest thing they've been through, and some, like me, feel like it's changed who they are permanently.

I'll tell you why.

When I got home from the hospital after having my son, I cried. It was a moment of "oh my God, this is REAL now". I felt joy and pure fear intertwined. A love that I personally couldn't compare, for a little one that seemed so fragile and resilient at the same time. In my mind, I was no longer me, I was my son's mom. I definitely had an identity crisis.

I barely slept for months. I was scared that I'd lose my son. That I'd make a mistake. I needed to feel him breathe on me sometimes to feel grounded. I didn't feel depressed, I felt scared. I think sometimes moms still don't express what they fully feel postpartum, cause they get scared that people will think they are "crazy" or not a "good mom". I felt like a ghost, a sliver of myself, fueled by the need to keep my son healthy. Empty because I didn't have anything to give myself. I honestly lost myself.

The isolation in postpartum can feel encompassing. Even with a strong support system, which I had. Sometimes all I wanted was advice and pointers, other times I felt like I was drowning in the endless opinions. I googled everything, everything. I messaged other moms "..is this normal?". What is "normal" anyway?

Anyways, back to this concept of "bouncing back". It's garbage. My body carries the scars, stretch marks, and added weight that's come with the gift of my son, and I will ALWAYS be okay with that. As woman, we need to value our bodies for the amazingness they are capable of (just in existing everyday-regardless of being a mom or not), not as something to be objectified or valued based on some inherently flawed ever-changing system of "attractiveness".

My mind hasn't "bounced-back" either. I have new approaches to things, I sleep less, and I worry a lot more. Some of that is definitely influenced by postpartum hormones, and some is influenced by this huge life transition of being completely responsible for another human being. Some parts of me now are influenced by the birth trauma I experienced. I can't "bounce back" to a mind that is no longer the same.

What I've realised in the moments of the last few months is that the old Emma is gone. Yes, I'm my son's mom. But, now I also know I am a new version of myself. Instead of bouncing back, I'm moving forward. Scars and all. Our scars may heal with time, but they stay, a part of our new bodies.

My son deserves a mom that will move forward, not bounce back. I should elaborate, my "moving forward" is not "leaving things behind" in a false sense of "healing" that isn't actually healing. My "moving forward" is this: I'd rather be fully present with my son any day than pressure myself to fit in an unsustainable workout to be thinner. I'd rather nourish my body when it needs it than starve to fit into my old pants. I'd rather rest when my body gives out (and before it does) than have a perfectly clean living space. I'd rather acknowledge that postpartum anxiety and depression happen often to many, many women like me, and not stigmatize myself because my mind is doing everything to keep my son and myself alive.

I want to acknowledge the hardness of postpartum is not diminished by the joy of new motherhood. I'm still postpartum, and still navigating the hard, and I think there's beauty in sharing that which hasn't been "overcome". I LOVE being a mom, and my postpartum has been HARD. Moms deserve to know they don't have to "bounce back". Ever.

I hope this helps someone to know they aren't alone in their experiences. Sharing parts of my journey through blogging is helping me. Also: it took me weeks to write this: sitting down is not easy with a baby. Lol.